


All I Want

by freddiejoey



Category: Arthur of the Britons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:54:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24090886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freddiejoey/pseuds/freddiejoey
Summary: Christmas in the longhouse isn't quite the season of good will...…...
Kudos: 1





	All I Want

All I Want - Part One

The one good thing about clipping holly is that you have to be careful. Even when you’re wearing a brand new pair of warm doe-skin gloves that Lenni has given you as a Yuletide present, with a warm kiss to your cheek and a warm blush suffusing her pretty face.

Yes indeed, careful is very good right now. In fact, careful is essential. Holly has rich, glossy foliage and its razor-sharp leaves can be brutal on the hands. So Kai has to keep his eyes firmly on the task and not let them cloud up with searing, hopeless tears as they’re so often wont to do recently.

Llud has asked for a generous armful to decorate the longhouse table for Twelfth Night– and what Llud has asked for, Llud will get. His father deserves nothing but respect for his forbearance and patience.

As to what his little brother should get or deserves…………

Kai blinks furiously to forestall those threatening tears and keeps determinedly slashing at the bright, shiny bushes.

Perhaps he should have gone south to Cornwall before her Roman fuckness took ship again for Gaul.

Perhaps he should still go when the weather clears.

Benedicta may be gone yet her bloody wraith lingers on like a feverish poison. What did Arthur once snap at those blundering idiots, Garet and Gawain? ‘Your kind of fever spreads. When the arm is poisoned, the arm is cut off.’ Benedicta has been cut off by the wide deep Channel and the wilds of savage Gaul and onwards to the marble paradise of Rome, but still no effective sundering has occurred.

Arthur continues to brood and fret and douse himself in anguish.

He has carried out his duties as Yuletide host cordially enough – however Kai knows that his thoughts and his hankerings are elsewhere. Mayhap his heart too………..

He hasn’t sent word of any kind to Rowena.

He’s civil and polite and pleasant to Kai – and makes absolutely certain that they are never left alone together. Always ensuring that there are guests present or some of the other warriors or at least Lenni or Llud. Easy during the past days with so much company stirring around the longhouse.

Kai has dreaded to imagine what will happen when busy, bustling Yule comes to an end and the ivy is taken down and the wassailing bowls put away.

Another of Llud’s trusty adages: No man can tether time nor tide. Absolutely bloody true as usual and now the festivities have all been concluded.

Tonight it will only be he and Arthur and Llud at home, though Lenni will probably eat supper with them. Yet, what of later, when Lenni returns to the healer’s hut………if Llud decides to seek cossetting at Olwyn’s………..Kai’s belly suddenly seems laden with cold, heavy stones of dread.

Llud is obviously trying to create a congenial atmosphere. A relaxed, relaxing family atmosphere – hence the holly and the aromatic lambswool that Lenni has been brewing this afternoon. Rich and hot and heady. Sweetly smelling of apples and ale, honey and nutmeg and ginger.

He can’t go south.

It would break their father’s heart.

It would desolate little Lenni.

It would be cowardly and gutless and base.

Of all things, Kai does not want to be remembered as a coward.

Make the best of a bad market – one more of Llud’s oft-recalled proverbs. So that is exactly what Kai will do. Soldier on and bear up and endure.

Like the true son of an iron-pawed, flint-eyed warrior that he is.

Though precisely how without a heart………….

Really he should be seriously contemplating marrying someone Kai supposes. Standing before the Abbott with a woman – there, that’s a jumping-off point! Llud’s always wanted grand-whelps………..Trouble is Kai hasn’t the remotest notion of who he should wed – nor does he have the remotest craving to do so. It’s no woman’s warmth that he pines for……..

Sighing bleakly, Kai secures a rope about the holly which is piled high on Llud’s old handcart. It’s growing dark and chill and the wind that whistles across his nape feels like a wickedly-honed, icy blade. Best to seek the longhouse fire and a good goblet of that fragrant mulled lambswool.

As he begins to push and trudge his way through the slippery mud, those traitorous tears prickle behind his lids again. And it’s certainly not because a holly leaf claws his wrist, beading a bright scarlet droplet against his winter-blanched skin.

Beside the longhouse hearth Lenni is tending a large venison pie and glancing anxiously toward the doors. Waiting anxiously for him – that’s clear enough by the relieved smile which arches her pretty mouth as soon as he appears. Immediately Kai is stricken by guilt. She and Llud have been his bulwark throughout this whole fucking Roman tempest and he’s still causing them uncertainty and worry.

If he’s not being cravenly, then he’s being unreasonable and blinkered. No doubt their whole Yule has been spoiled by agonizing over his plight.

Bloody Arthur.

Would be there was some miraculous potion Lenni could offer that would make you tumble promptly out of love.

And still he, Kai, would never drink it because he would be rather be forever forlorn loving Arthur than happy without loving Arthur.

How impractical is that! Practical Arthur will be most displeased if he ever guesses!

While Kai painstakingly festoons holly around the room, Lenni painstakingly gestures what she knows Kai needs to know. Llud is up in the guest hut with Brother Amlodd, sharing a few hearty mead cups and swapping knowledge concerning cattle pestilence. No doubt titbits about monkish misbehaviour too as the benevolent brother grows more mellow. Arthur has suddenly decided that the stables require a thorough tidying and is relentlessly goading the farmhands as they rake and sweep and polish. At least all the vigorous activity will keep the blood flowing nicely on this crisp, raw afternoon.

Desperately trying not to well up at the mere mention of Arthur’s name, Kai holds out one of the wooden beakers from the table.

“Here, sweetheart, fill it to the brim. Your lovely lambswool please. Gathering holly gives a man a decent thirst.”

However, instead, Lenni gently takes the cup from his hand and replaces it with her lips. Tenderly kissing his palm. “No Kai, not yet……….forgive me but you………..we……. can’t continue like this………..not any more dearest…………not after yesterday………..”

And her fingers trail into silence so eloquent that it smites both ear and heart……..

Part Two

01:40 pm - All I Want........... - Part Two   
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Yesterday…………

A crowded, riotous, mead-addled longhouse. Roast boar and coddled apples and raisins and damson pottage. Drunken laughter and loud caterwauling that is supposed to be Yuletide carolling. Rambunctious revelry and merry bawdiness. Roaring fires and ale-clumsy but good-natured dancing.

Amidst all this mirth, Arthur sits at the head of the table. Smiling politely. Making courteous remarks when appropriate. Cordially discussing doctrinal matters with Brother Amlodd.

Only once does Arthur’s seeming calm falter. One of Leesa’s spirited brothers, young Keary, has been swilling adder’s sting as if it truly were as robust as goat’s milk. Starting soon after noon and now it’s close to dusk. He’s seeing triple and feeling bold and brave and brash.

Leaning over to hack off a slice of boar with his dagger, Keary claps Arthur heartily on the shoulder. “So Arthur, we do have to admit how glad we are that you didn’t wed that high-and-mighty girl from Rome.” Keary sniffs disdainfully, doing a fair imitation of Benedicta at her snooty best and the warriors grouped around him chuckle appreciatively.

Seated further down the table, miserable and woebegone as he always is these days, Kai watches out of the corner of his eye as the colour mounts ominously in Arthur’s face. Really it makes Kai weak with relief to know that his little brother can still be provoked and act other than perfectly pleasantly. Any sign of passion is so welcome………

Obliviously, Keary continues on his jaunty way. “Your pretty Rowena’s who we want to have as our chieftain’s wife and the sooner the better. Before any more snotty bitches wash up on our shores…….” Peering rather blearily around, he finds Kai wedged between Tugram and Padriac the blacksmith. “Oi Kai! What about you? How long is my poor sister going to sigh and pine before you slip a ring on her finger? Two brothers that need to be wed. We could have a double marriage feast – come the first spring primroses. Send for the Abbott once the snows clear.”

Behind him Kai hears Llud pushing through the revellers to ward off trouble. He too has seen the fiery flush dousing his younger son’s pale cheeks.

Kai is simply too wretched to intervene as he once might have. Let stupid Keary dig his own burial mound with his own stupid babbling tongue.

Yet, when Arthur does speak, it’s not the savage reproach that Llud and Kai have both been anticipating. Instead, Arthur slowly stretches and folds his elbows on the table. Unruffled and deliberate. “Yes Kai, what of it? You’ve been moping for weeks. Leesa could put a spring in your step and a song in your heart again. You’ve long championed her sparkling eyes.”

For the first time in an age, Arthur’s deep blue gaze is fixed on Kai. Purposeful and unwavering.

Brotherly banter – nothing less and no more. That’s what everyone present thinks. Everyone except Llud whose good hand is resting on Kai’s shoulder and not because their father requires support. Actually, Llud has been somewhat abstemious throughout these Yuletide festivities.

And everyone except Lenni who has become utterly still beside the hearth. Her head tilted anxiously toward Arthur and her forehead creased with concern.

They recognize the sting in the tail of Arthur’s words. The iron within the silk.

Arthur knows that his big brother wants no woman. Craves no woman - and loves none.

Arthur also knows who his big brother does love still. Is hopelessly in love with.

Kai cannot know that his little brother is heartsick with guilt. Overwhelmed by grief. Abject that he ever allowed Benedicta to bewitch him.

Arthur is infinitely sorry for the venomous way in which he has acted.

Sorry for his coldness, his lack of compassion, his headlong folly.

Sorry for Kai. Sorry for Rowena. Sorry for himself.

But Kai cannot know since Arthur is yet too proud to admit his faults and failings to his big brother.

For years, Arthur has regarded himself as the one sinned against, rarely the sinner. Llud and Lenni and indeed Rowena may often have voiced dissenting opinions. Pride sometimes being as troublesome a sin as flirting or dalliance. Extreme stubbornness too. However Arthur has never been especially receptive to their intercessions.

Now though Arthur cannot demur. He is completely culpable and no-one to blame but his own doltish, misled self.

This is utterly new territory for Arthur of the West. This guilty path of cinders and ash – and he is floundering.

Kai’s beautiful, stricken, brown eyes……….

It’s beyond bearing.

Besides, if you harbour dreams to change the world and yet cannot govern your own heart…………..if you are the greatest fool in the world………..

So Arthur lashes out to conceal his anguish. An old Caesar’s trick: the best defence is a good offence – although the Roman association is unwelcome even in his own melancholy mind.

When he can endure it no longer, Arthur ceases watching Kai and drops his gaze to his mead cup. Still full to the brim. Perhaps he’s taken three or four sips from it tonight. Llud need not look to him for depleting the barrel. Arthur hasn’t sought to allay his guilt through ale.

Unlike Kai. Who has been drinking heavily. Eating like a sparrow. Sleeping only fitfully.

His little brother’s comments concerning Leesa……..always Arthur has been grudging of the times Kai has shared lovely, freckle-faced Leesa’s bed. Making apparently whimsical remarks about her third eye – however, remarks that have rubbed raw beneath the jest. Kai has heard the raw edge - and, Christ help him, secretly revelled in such proofs of Arthur’s love.

Now though Arthur is making the jests publicly and with open disdain if you know just how to listen. As Kai certainly does.

Arthur’s careless words are sharply-honed blades that cut Kai to the heart. Decisively wounding.

Some cruelties cannot be borne……….surely…………..

Suddenly the room blurs and Kai’s head whirls wildly.

Glancing up at Arthur’s implacably handsome face, Kai feels that he’s never known that raven hair, those midnight-blue eyes, that comely, resolute mouth. Never kissed that strong, wilful jaw.

What to say if he could………?

“I miss you beloved……….oh, how I fucking miss you………..but I can’t glean how to find you even though you’re right in front of me………….the agony of having a slivered heart is not so much to slay you Arthur, yet not so little as to let you live either……..”

Then merciful darkness descends and Kai need know nothing more.

Part Three

He awakens in his own bed, Lenni’s soothing hand on his brow and her wide, anxious eyes peering down at him. Eyes as brown as peat and wise as time. Through the wicker, Kai can hear the revelries still merrily proceeding. Llud’s strident tones and Tugram’s distinctive braying laugh and general carousing and chatter. They’ll be plentiful thumping heads come the sunrise.

“How long……..?” Kai nods toward his sheepskins. Lenni smiles softly. “Perhaps an hour and everyone merely thought you’d misjudged your mead………..Of course, in a way you have and you certainly won’t be the only woozy soldier on this eleventh-night Yuletide………Truth be told, I’m glad of the respite. Let Esla queen it at the hearth for a while and dream of what might have been had she ever won you………Her besotted trader has the forbearance of a Christian saint.”

Quietly, Lenni lowers herself to the edge of the mattress. “Llud will ensure no-one disturbs us and Arthur’s gone to walk the palisade………..But Kai, this…….it’s not right or fair or hale……….something will have to be decided…….”

That’s when Kai begins to weep.

And Lenni starts to silently cry too because Kai is crying and she feels utterly helpless and she has never loved him so fiercely.

By the gods, he’s wan with exhaustion. The body somehow bearing what the mind and heart shuns.

Battle-wounds are not only visible. Not only inflicted through sword or axe or fire.

Gently, she strokes the tangled hair back from Kai’s forehead while hot tears ripple out from under his closed lids and drench the fleeces.

In the other room, some-one – Kai judges that it’s Govannon who once brought them the ill-fated news of a treaty between Cerdig and Yorath - is drunkenly singing about lusty cuckoos and full-bosomed swans at the top of his pissed lungs.

Finally, Kai opens his sodden eyes and stares up at the roof beams.

Swans and cuckoos are being coveted wantonly by nightingales and fowls in the frith. Tugram’s brother Ermid calls loudly above the babble for a fresh set of dice – claiming that the current bones are cursed.

Slowly, Kai shakes his head on the hide pillow. “I don’t know any more Lenni……….I didn’t want it to be true…………I so didn’t want it to be true………..I think for a time I even believed, despite everything……….”

Kai turns to her, such sorrow and anguish burning in his gaze that her own tears come faster.

If she misspeaks or rather signs awry…………

What best to gesture………..

Simply what is in her heart.

Tenderly, Lenni threads her fingers amid Kai’s. “Dearest……..our most formidable task as a friend is to offer understanding when we do not, cannot, understand. As now I cannot fathom Arthur’s cruelty toward you and his indifference to Rowena. All I can offer is that sometimes it’s easier to forgive an enemy than to absolve yourself………perhaps that’s why Arthur lashes out so……the viper’s venom falling from his tongue is really self-reproach – not that gleaning this solaces your grief……. ”

Kai’s sobs gradually ebb into whimpering sniffles. Gavannon launches into a bawdy verse about scarlet nipples, red as ripe cherries and ready for plucking. Ermid crows with tipsy delight – apparently the new dice are proving far luckier.

Lenni strokes Kai’s flushed cheek like she does a fevered child’s. “If you could somehow void your memory………..forget the way that Arthur kissed your mouth and the sweet things and the brush of his skin against yours……….otherwise, I think we both know that your decision was already sealed forever long ago………..on a certain windy day……….under a certain tree……….after a certain make-believe horse-race…….”

She’s relieved to watch the ghost of a bemused smile gathering at the edges of Kai’s lips.

“You’ve been in mourning Kai. For what you’ve lost, for what might have been and for what you’re afraid cannot be rekindled……… But Arthur’s alive dearest and Benedicta’s gone……and the runes tell me that she never had his heart………..never for a moment…….”

Sighing, Kai spreads his fingers out beneath Lenni’s hands so that Lenni’s fingers tumble into the gaps between Kai’s own – it feels more pledge than surrender and Lenni ducks her head to press a quick kiss behind Kai’s ear. His silken hair tickling her nose.

Firmly, Llud is beginning to herd the befuddled merrymakers back to their own huts. Reminding them to collect their cloaks from inside the doors and their weapons from outside. Cajoling or threatening amiably as necessary. Kai lies listening to their mead-addled salutations, failing to hear Arthur’s voice so his little brother must be dragging his boots on the night watch.

Truly Kai isn’t certain whether to be gravely disappointed or weak with reprieve. Either way, it won’t placate his thundering heart or his wildly tossing thoughts. Albeit a decent night’s rest won’t go amiss for once.

With a lavish yawn, Kai settles Lenni across his chest. “My thanks little Lenni. For gesturing what I needed to see……..wanted to see. You’re right and tomorrow something will be done…………though I have absolutely no idea where to begin anew………….or how………not yet anyway.” He grins ruefully. “Llud will probably make himself a nest of sheepskins in front of the hearth, claiming it warms his aching joints better than the fire pit in here. Arthur’s been throwing down a blanket near our father to evade me but he might seek his own bed tonight – it’s been a long Yuletide season………..stay with me sweetheart? Be my shield till the dawn?”

Melting, Lenni places a finger on his beautiful lips. “Of course……..Arthur can merely think me doing my duty as a healer. I’ll draw one of the pallets close.” Kai laughs quietly, slumber already making his limbs weighty and relaxing his mind. “There’s no call for that.” Carefully he tucks the fleeces around them both. “We’re best friends. You know who holds my heart and you’re in love with some fortunate warrior whose name you refuse to divulge, no matter how cleverly I delve. You’re remaining right by me Lenni merch March.”

Almost before he’s finished the sentence, Kai is fast asleep.

Hardly daring to breathe, Lenni draws in Kai’s fresh, musky fragrance. Nestles her head at the base of his lovely throat. Of all the most wondrous Yuletide gifts to be bestowed……….

That he should not guess who holds her heart. Hiding in plain sight indeed.

Lenni’s last musing as her eyes flutter closed is that the devil may have taken Christ to an exceedingly high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their glory, but that the devil had been nothing except a poorly greenhorn. Since the devil had never gazed upon the golden glory that is Kai.

Arthur again tosses his cloak between Llud and the wall. He does not come to bed.

Part Four

05:07 pm - All I Want....... - Part Four   
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When Lenni stumbles out of the sleeping chamber at sunrise, leaving Kai slumbering, still dreamily wrapped around by his fragrance, Arthur is already freshly shaved and partway through a plate of bannocks and fruit preserves. Llud snores on, the blankets rising and falling gently with each whistling breath.

Smiling briefly, Arthur wipes a mulberry smear from his chin. “Our thanks for tending Kai last night. He hasn’t been sleeping well. I’m off to ride the boundaries with Ermid if the silly man can keep astride his mount this morning. Ermid must have drained half a dozen flagons of adder’s sting with no aid. I’ve got noonday food and drink, but I’ll be home before supper.”

His blue eyes soften. “My thanks now for all your toil during the Yule festivities Lenni. No leader could have been more proud to preside at such a magnificent feast.” He bends to kiss her cheek and, with lightning instinct, Lenni turns her head. Claiming his mouth instead.

Startled, Arthur kisses back. Hard and deep. Open lips and grappling tongue. Hungrily dancing fire across her mouth a third time till Llud snorts behind them and Lenni pulls away.

Of course, what she’s really itching to do is slap Arthur’s handsome face soundly for the unwarranted hurt he smote Kai with again yesterday evening – yet it would achieve naught and anyway, she had to know and now she does.

Arthur is a man craving touch. Aching for atonement.

Bloody stubborn fool.

Sometimes, if he wasn’t the bloody love of Kai’s life……….

Yet, what else does Llud so often say? You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar – and Arthur has been vinegary enough recently to last a good decade and beyond.

They all need nothing but honeyed days ahead in the longhouse……….oh, that they certainly do.

Llud is mumbling awake as Arthur fastens his cloak and Lenni swings the kettle over the hearth flames. Her fingers gesture toward Arthur, decisive in their surety. “Try and be home early. It’s raw out Arthur…….”

The look Arthur casts her from under his dark fringe is mingled bemusement and perplexity. She loathed Benedicta. She champions Rowena. She’s been helplessly in love with Kai ever since forever. No-one has been more fiercely censorious during the past weeks. Not even Llud.

So to be kissed in such a passionate fashion at breakfast and urged to ride homewards early………

Bemusement is overwhelmed by sheer bafflement and Arthur departs to rouse Ermid wearing a rare expression of utter confusion.

Ah, clever, practical, shrewd Arthur of the Celts, deadly swordsman and renowned tactician, if only your heart were as wise as your head…………

But everything in the best of causes.

Kai’s cause.

Kai’s happiness.

Kai’s heart.

Chuckling silently, Lenni hands Llud a bowl of pottage and a mulled mead-cup. “Stay amid the fleeces. No need to move on my account. Kai’s still abed and it’s a brisk, draughty, old dawn.”

Pursing his lips, Llud peers wilily at her . “Love, why do I think you’re plotting something? – and not afore time either……….We’re both weary of the needling and the nettling and after last night……..Besides, neither of them’s going to settle until their melancholy minstrel’s ballad stops playing out of time. And, God’s teeth, I miss Rowena. She’s the only one who can tether Arthur’s obstinacy and keep it bridled.”

With a firm nod, Lenni begins to transform yesterday’s roast deer into today’s venison pie.

“I miss her too………terribly. First though there’s Kai…….” Her knife falls idle. “Llud, if nothing can be done, we’re going to lose him. Kai can’t endure this any longer. He’s a warrior and warriors have to be strong and true and brave. Kai is all those things and so many more, yet he’s coming to believe that he lacks……..spirit and mettle. That he’s not worthy………”

Suddenly, Lenni’s eyes are brown pools of anguish. Clouded by desperate tears. “Those who are made to feel worthless often cannot forgive Llud………You know that Kai has the kindest, most loyal, forgiving heart in all the world, but Arthur being so cold and so foolish………..not relenting…………if he drives Kai from home, Kai will never return. It will be Cornwall or Londinium or Gaul…….. He’ll be lost to us forever…….”

Her fingers entangle in sorrow.

Hawking on to the fire, Llud climbs thoughtfully to his feet. “You’re a good girl Lenni. The best of girls. Your father’s shining courage and your mother’s dauntless fortitude. No-one I would rather have ride into battle beside me than March and no-one I trusted more implicitly than Ana.”

Gently, he folds her hand within his good one. “So Lenni, there’s no-one I would rather have standing here at the longhouse table, sharing my fatherly burdens with me and wishing for this family’s contentment………..You and I had better start being as crafty as Dirk and as cunning as a skulk of foxes before Kai comes yawning out of that bedchamber………Let’s pour another mulled mead and get busy………..”

When Kai does emerge a-yawning and scratching his lovely, tousled, golden head – and peering furtively around for Arthur as Llud and Lenni duly mark - he hardly has time to munch his bannock when Llud is hustling his elder son outside. Cold, clear weather is ideal for mending and renewing. There’s an armoury to inspect and a store hut to tally. After that, Llud would certainly appreciate it if Kai would go into the forest and fill the old handcart with holly – it will be just the thing to bedeck the longhouse tonight. Lenni is baking venison pie and brewing lambswool and it will be especially nice to enjoy a quiet family dinner after all the recent carousing.

Winking at Lenni over his shoulder, Llud pushes Kai before him in a whirl of piebald cape and new doeskin gloves.

Chewing on her lip, Lenni returns to mortar and pestle. At least the repetitive grinding is somehow soothing. Kai seems calm enough……..perhaps too calm though. Well, no matter, what must be will be. Llud, of course, was not merely referring to armouries and store huts when he spoke of mending and renewal……….

Quite soon Llud will be toddling along to Brother Amlodd’s hut. Much as they’re all extremely fond of the rotund monk, they need him safely out of the way come supper time. Llud will go armed with a flagon of his special mead and a heaped basin of chicken dumplings. No doubt the good brother will be wholly replete and happily snoozing by dusk.

Lenni rakes out the ashes and nestles in her pie. She sips the lambswool and adds both more honey and ginger. Sweet and spice. Exactly like life.

Arthur does indeed ride home early. Then almost immediately sweeps out again to sweep out the stables. Apparently the farmhands are gambling and quarrelling. He mutters irascibly about idleness and the devil and disappears. Striding as if he has bees buzzing within his breeches.

Frowning, Lenni sends a quick prayer winging toward Maeve, goddess of enchantment and magick. Just for luck. Just in case.

Then Kai returns, laden with holly – and she presses her lips to his palm. “…… .forgive me but you……….. we ……. can’t continue like this ………..not any more dearest …………not after yesterday………..”

When Lenni glances up, Kai is rigidly silent. His pale lips could be pallid marble. Softly, she traces the line of his beloved cheek. “Dearest there comes a moment……..I said what was in my heart to you when you asked. Now I’m asking you to say what is in your heart to Arthur ………..You’ve always been a gambler Kai. It’s simply time……time to wager……..”

Kai’s mouth quirks. “If you haven’t noticed love, I’m the most ill-starred gambler in the land.” Lenni’s gaze is unwavering. “Oh Kai, he already owns you for life anyway……. Besides, you’re also one of his most courageous warriors. Who, like all soldiers worth their salt, needs peaceful sleep and a hearty appetite and strong self-belief. Those things must be restored in you Kai or you have no place here as you’ve known it.”

All at once, Lenni is uncertain. Has she been too forthright? Have she and Llud misjudged? Yet Kai only sighs thoughtfully. “Llud has cautioned the same. Thrice over during the last month. Wise counsel indeed………yes sweetheart……..time to take a chance on the dice………..Surely I’m due for a win………….”

His brown eyes twinkle faintly. “I suppose Llud is still lying low in Brother Amlodd’s quarters so you best have a rest in the healer’s hut before supper………. I’m sure the gods are willing……. just give me a kiss for luck ……..”

So Lenni brushes her lips against Kai’s and sweetly again for further fortune and departs with an anxious backwards glance.

It will all be alright………it shall be……….it must be…………

Once she's gone, Kai simply sits beside the fire. Slowly sips his heady lambswool, watches the flames glinting on the holly’s glossy leaves and waits for Arthur.

His breath catches and his hand trembles.

‘Had to come’ as Llud often remarks of certain events, of inevitable challenges – still, Kai has never felt so defenceless.

His mind is as void and white and faded as the day he watched his blood father die.

Today may well be the last of everything for him too…………

Arthur enters the room in a blast of cold draught and cold arrogance.

Tall and beautiful. Slender and magnificent. Wind-tangled and breeze-burnished.

Marking that Kai is alone, his eyes widen to midnight-jet.

The stoppled tempests burst free.

Uncontrollable from both sides.

Afterwards, whether he be in Cornwall or Gaul or camped somewhere faraway beneath the sparkling stars, Kai can never bear to recall what happens next. Not for years. Perhaps not ever.

There is a quarrel. Bitter and brutal.

There is a blue fragment of cloth cast upon the flames.

There is a mad chase when Arthur strides furiously to the stables and Kai dementedly follows.

Kai is able to remember that dusk is falling and that the stares of the door wardens are panic-stricken as he and Arthur pass.

Then………..

Everything comes undone. Everything for all time..

The stables are warm and shadowy.

He and Arthur round savagely on each other.

His hands are clawing at Arthur’s neck and his fists pounding at Arthur’s face.

Arthur grappling and battering back.

Hay and dirt, blinding rage and pain.

The brilliant whites of alarmed equine eyes and the odour of fresh equine dung.

There is a dull thud………and then all Kai can see is red………because all he can see is Arthur’s blood…………

Part Five

Lenni is sitting by the fire stitching when Kai stumbles into the healer’s hut. Hopefully fashioning a tunic for Rowena from a length of fine, hand-woven green fabric. Something that will match Rowena’s pretty eyes and that Lenni can present as a gift next time Rowena comes to visit – as surely she will…….surely…….

It’s an intricate pattern, demanding concentration and attention to detail. Just the thing to keep Lenni’s mind busy until supper. Well almost, because she’s still wildly wondering and her belly is still tumbling wildly and she is forcing herself to keep sewing calmly and stay in her chair……… without warning Kai flings himself headlong through her door.

For a nightmarish, seemingly-endless moment he is all she sees.

Blonde hair tangled and awry and flecked with blood. Clothing rent and torn. Bruises purpling across his chest. Limping awkwardly. Face dirty and tear-streaked.

“Can you come? I can’t staunch the bleeding.” Kai’s voice is a croaky whisper. He’s in pain. He’s also in shock.

That’s when she notices Arthur leaning unsteadily against Kai’s shoulder. Similarly dishevelled. Already wearing a garland of dappled violet bruises around his throat. One cheek swollen and plum-coloured and mottled. An angry scarlet wound weaving across his scalp, dark blood matting his dark hair.

Lenni feels ice flooding through her veins. This was supposed to be the day for absolution and atonement – instead……….

All of them will lose everything………

Then the practical healer takes over and she starts gathering salves and unguents into her apron. Arnica and comfrey and oak. Gesturing frenziedly. “Back to the longhouse. We’ll need hot water and clean rags. Quickly, out of the chill and beside the hearth flames. Both of you.”

It’s not simply one nightmarish moment any more. It’s everyone’s worst nightmare made real.

The sentries’ aghast, disbelieving faces.

Kai’s flat, emphatic murmur that Arthur slipped and smacked his head on a roof beam and would one of them please run and fetch Llud from Brother Amlodd’s hut.

Inside Lenni hurriedly settles Arthur in his great chair with a wad of sheepskin to hold against his weeping wound. Pushes Kai on to the bench before he crashes to the rushes, so violently is he swaying on his feet. Pours two brimming cups of lambswool to warm and fortify. Thinks again and hastily splashes the robust brew into a third goblet for herself and a fourth for Llud.

A long, taxing, shuddersome night ahead and no certain outcomes.

Arthur speaks only once. Hollow and bone-weary. The first and only time since his head struck the stable rafter and Kai tearfully pulled him upright. “This fleece is stemming the blood. Check Kai first. Ensure nothing’s broken.” Slowly he closes his eyes and goes completely silent.

Just as Llud barrels inside, gazes frantically about and turns as pale as new snow.

Briefly Lenni fears that she’ll have three patients on her hands.

But Llud swiftly squares his shoulders and gestures to Lenni that she should tend Arthur. He’ll look to Kai. Said briskly and wordlessly in her sign language.

Grim-faced, Llud sets about testing limbs and bathing cuts and dabbing ointment. Fetching blankets and replacing Kai’s tattered tunic with a fresh shirt. (Thankfully not their blue one which has been rucked into a miserable ball at the bottom of Kai’s clothes chest for weeks.) Stroking his older son’s tousled curls a few times for comfort. At least outwardly Kai is suffering from nothing more daunting than scrapes and bruises, though he’ll certainly be stiff and sore and sorry come sunrise.

As he works, Llud does not speak. He has no need to since he has no need to ask what has happened.

The ominous part is what is going to happen next.

Having ascertained that Arthur too has no cracked bones, Lenni neatly clips away the hair from around his scalp wound and carefully cleans it. Deep and raw, but such gashes always bleed badly and it will heal well enough. No lasting damage if infection doesn’t trouble him. Yet what’s to become of Arthur’s heart………

When he puts up a hand and tentatively prods the furrowed skin, Lenni tenderly removes his fingers. Arnica is bitter if it gets on the tongue. Without opening his eyes, Arthur gives a spent sigh. “My hair Lenni. You might as well finish the job.”

Firmly patting Kai’s shoulder, Llud smiles faintly at Lenni. “Do as he bids. I’m going to build up the fire in the bedroom and pile up the fleeces. We’ll all be glad of them later I warrant.” Nodding, he disappears into their sleeping chamber.

Then there’s no sounds in the room except the crackling of the rowan logs as they spit and burn and the busy snip of Lenni’s shears.

All this while Kai sits slumped, sunken in infinite despair, wretched and stricken. Obediently letting Llud carry out his ministrations merely because he is too shamed to protest. Never glancing toward Arthur’s direction.

He should have held his tongue, held his temper, kept custody of his fists. Except that the mere mention of fucking Benedicta’s name……….

This fight has been far more savage even than their ferocious challenge in the meadow or that stormy tussle by the lake while Eithna smirked and simpered.

Now Kai stares fixedly at the rough-hewn wood of the longhouse table.

He’ll have to journey south. Nothing else for it. Mark will grant him room in the Cornish war-band, albeit begrudgingly. The bearded braggart hasn’t quite forgiven or forgotten the manner of poor Roland’s death. Still, Kai has a strong axe-arm and the spear-eyes of a hawk. Kai will earn his keep and far beyond.

Moreover, it’s the one Celtic kingdom where Kai knows he’ll be afforded some sort of welcome. Dirk and Ambrose and their ilk won’t be too enthusiastic about accepting a Saxon warrior – even one who is the son of Llud.

So it will have to be Cornwall and he will need his weapons and his horse and a sack of clothing. Nothing else. Any other possessions can be left behind since they’ll no longer need safekeeping.

They can be left behind here in Arthur’s village. Here with his heart………

Kai chokes on hot, helpless tears.

Lenni’s shears fall silent.

The fire snaps and sputters.

Kai’s hand slides from his chin, the aromatic lambswool at last making him woozy. His palm lies open in futile supplication. Hopelessly he clenches his eyes shut tight.

How can you let go of someone that you can’t live without? How forget the place where their fingertips still caress, their kisses still linger, their whispers still softly echo……..?

Impossible………

Gently Arthur’s long, slender fingers close around his.

Utterly baffled, breath roughly hitching within his throat, Kai peers up. Arthur smiles crookedly.

“My head feels light as a puff ball big brother………Fitting I suppose given how little sense it’s held these last weeks……”

Arthur looks like a boy. Like a bird. All wide blue eyes and short, feathery, black tufts.

“Sorry.” His whisper is a hesitant slither of silken magic. “I’ll understand if you no longer want me………..I don’t deserve you……….I don’t deserve your forgiveness………that it took tonight’s ruckus for me to realize…….”

He shudders violently, carding his other hand through the spiky dark remnants of his hair. “But I am so, so sorry…………I can never make due recompense………all I can pledge is that my love for you will last forever and that without you my heart will cleave………”

Hardly daring to believe, Kai leans forward and presses a clumsy kiss against Arthur’s mouth. Clumsy like a boy. Feathery like a bird.

And Arthur returns the kiss. A kiss that is pact and plea and vow.

Slowly breaking away, Arthur rests his forehead on Kai’s and fiercely entwines their fingers.

Kai goes weak with wonder.

He’s home.

So that, even when he happens not to be nestled in his own cosy bed right here in the long house. Whenever he goes trading in Cornwall or fetching fresh war horses from Gaul or is camped far away under the sparkling stars about Arthur’s business. – no matter where he be, he will be home because he be in Arthur’s heart.

This will be what Kai will always remember because it is a miracle.

Everything mended again. Everything for all time.

Truly Lenni could dance from sheer joy. Shout and scream and bellow too, even though no-one would hear.

Kai won’t be going away………and nothing else matters.

Kai isn’t lost to them – he’s simply lost in Arthur – which is precisely how it should be.

From the bedroom door, Llud indulges an approving snort, followed by a relieved sort of grunt. “Well, I must say this makes a welcome change. A nice show of brotherly affection about the place. Just thank the gods that Lenni and I could darn and patch the bloody state you left each other in.”

If Llud’s voice trembles slightly because he’s trammelling such powerful emotions ……….even hoary iron-pawed warriors become a little misty-eyed occasionally. Especially at Yuletide.

Llud’s gaze meaningfully meets Lenni’s. “I heard a rumour – and anyway my twitching nose tells me – that you prepared a magnificent venison pie earlier, that’s still waiting to be devoured.” Lenni places it carefully on the table. “Llud, why don’t you take a good helping to Olwyn? I’m off to enjoy mine in peace and solitude in the healer’s hut – and tomorrow, you three can endure Esla’s porridge for breakfast. I believe I’ve earned a few days skulking among my sheepskins.”

Not that she thinks Kai and Arthur really notice when she and Llud depart with their neatly wrapped portions of pie.

Ah……..it’s called whispering dazed sweet nothings and floating and flying.

No matter – the rich venison is ambrosia on her tongue and today has turned into one of the most wonderful days she will ever know.

Lenni falls asleep smiling.

Later there will be………oh…………cossetting by the fire………much licking of rich venison gravy from Kai’s throat by Arthur………….. much tender grazing of Arthur’s nape by Kai………..little brother presenting big brother with a glorious Saxon war axe………..big brother sadly confessing that he lost little brother’s glorious sword belt in an unfortunate game of dice………

Actually it is utterly perfect.

And, later still, coming tipsily to bed, Llud gets a heart-stirring fright. Seeing only Arthur ensconced under the blankets, his newly-cropped head just visible, and concluding that Kai is elsewhere after another stupid quarrel, Llud sighs and creeps across to contrive his younger son a warm sheepskin hood. It’s a chill night and Arthur’s bare ears might be cold.

Then Kai suddenly emerges from under a heavy woollen quilt, snuffling as if he’s a contented blonde bear and Llud turns ashen.

Actually it is utterly funny. Though perhaps not quite so for their pallid father’s thundering heart……..

Arthur waits until he’s certain Llud’s snoring and turns over, pressing his nose into Kai’s neck. “Our father better not think you did that deliberately or we’ll be in a devil’s brew of strife.” Kai’s murmur is gravelly with bliss. “I didn’t and he won’t and, beloved, have I told you tonight that you’re beautiful? Even with me having made your face as purple as a grape?”

Smiling gently, Arthur takes his big brother’s hand and kisses the palm. Nuzzling back into Kai’s side and pushing his nose back against Kai’s collarbone. “You have my Kai …….. indeed you have ………….now, have I told you that all I’ll ever want for Yuletide is you and me together exactly like this?”

Heavens, Kai is welling up yet again and his chest is bursting with love and happiness and…… He gives a quiet snivel. “It sounds familiar……..though you can always say it once more for luck. I won’t object………”

“Kai, are you weeping?”

“No…………certainly not…………perish the thought little brother…………Arthur, one last thing….. just before we sleep……”

“Yes, Kai my heart?”

“You’re all I ever want under my mistletoe………..all I want till the end of time……….all I need forevermore……… Happy Yuletide Arthur……”


End file.
